Spoken Word: Insecure
Below you will find the second in a series of spoken words that I have written. The first one was the beginning of a healing journey with the Lord. This one was in the middle of it, where I’d learned some things, and yet, still learning to truly trust the Father. That He would protect me, that He is protecting me.
This piece I think came from the wells of my heart when I was wondering if this supposed journey of being exposed before the Lord was worth it. Truly it was a time of uprooting a lie/belief that I held at the time that I wasn’t worth it. I was carrying around the baggage of shame upon my shoulders from things that happened in my past. That is where shame I believe keeps you locked up in…insecurity.
To be insecure it means to be subjected to fear, doubts, to have a lack confidence, or anxious. To be exposed, and not firmly placed or fastened to something. That’s how I felt when I wrote this, in the honest thoughts with the Father, in a way I felt like I was floundering. Because where I was at was in this place of taking off the masks, of exposing lies I had believed and truly starting to stand on the firm truth of who God is and who I am in Him!
Being okay with exposing my heart to Him, learning that the risk is always worth it with Him. Allowing Him to teach and show just how an open heart is not weakness, and to really begin to trust Him again…
It’s the feeling that comes. Am I worth it? Worth the risk, the intentional pursuit? Am I seen, not just for what is on the outside but for who I am? Is it enough? This broken and contrite heart as an offering. Is it worth you taking notice?
My belief is that it isn’t. That it’s just tossed to the wayside. That others are deemed more valuable. That it would be better for me to remain silent than to voice what is screaming on the inside.
I hide away in my sanctuary of silent solitude, being content to remain, for I’ve become accustomed to the safety of it. For as I remain silent, my heart isn’t risked. And I question if it’s worth it?
Funny because I’m now back to square one, back to my question which is the same question you are asking me, am I worth it? Every time I’ve risked it before and while painful, at times, it’s been worth it, you worth it.
For an open heart is not weakness, you whisper to me. People need what you have and so give as you have freely been given, understanding that you may not get what you want in return. In reality you will get something far greater and far richer. For your treasure is being stored up in heaven and not here on the earth where it is destroyed.
A broken and contrite heart is what you ask and you receive me as I am. With all the scars and to you they are beautiful, perfect in every way. Yes what glorious riches behold me, that are right in front of me as you bless me with tending to the garden of the hearts surrounding me, learning as I go that mine is being tended, protected, grown just the same. And so for you I come with a song, I rejoice in this divine romance and I lift my heart and my hands to show my love to you.
Again an open heart is not weakness, it is strength, your strength. For where and when I am weak you are strong. So here is my simple offering, all of me.
I come with simplicity
Longing for purity
To worship you, in Spirit and truth
Only you.
Lord strip it all away
Till only you remain
I’m coming back to my first love
Only you
Yes only you, I whisper again and agin, only you, only you. For that is where my hope and love are secure. And soon I hear you whisper back: Only you.
So let your will be done in me
Let your kingdom come in me
In this life Lord
Let it be as it is in heaven
I lift my hands and say that I need you
I lift my heart and say that I love you
I give my life, oh I am forever yours.
Forever yours.
